if I'm not a nerd, then who AM I

You know, it's funny, my whole life I fought tooth and nail to get away from my small town.  To escape from the stereotypes, from the boxes I felt like I had been shoved into.  I was convinced that the only way to get out of those boxes was distance, substantial, physical distance between me and who everyone seemed to think I was.  And who was I?  Well, who I thought everyone saw me as was the "brain", with the unruly hair, the glasses, wonky teeth...  A little too tall, too loud at the wrong times, and yet too quiet in others.  I thought they saw me as a man-hater, and a dork.  That girl in band... with the flute.

You can see why I was trying to escape.  The funny thing is, I really WAS most of those things, minus the man-hater bit.  And no amount of distance would necessarily change that.

But over the years I learned to stand up straight (go figure, 5'8" really ISN'T freakishly tall!), discovered the glory of the hair straightener, and got to this point where I just accepted it all.  I EMBRACED those wonky teeth, that nerd-dom.  The irony of this whole nerd-love that seems to be out there lately is totally not lost on a true nerd.  Like, honestly, where was this love when I was so desperate for it??  But hey, live and learn, and slowly but surely I feel like I've evolved to the point where I can cheerfully say I sort of dig me.

So, what happens when the parts that I've felt were so ME get "fixed".  When the hair gets smoothed out, nerdy glasses come into vogue, when ol' snaggle tooth gets a new home?  Oh sure, I'm me on the inside "where it counts".  I still see the same putz in the mirror.  But what does the rest of the world see?  Do I start losing my nerd-credibility? Do people stop trusting that I can get the job done when it comes to code and keys?  Do they stop confiding in my low-threat self?  Do dudes stop seeing me as one of the dudes?

Not gonna lie, sort of seems that way.  And that blows.  Because frankly, there's freedom in being the dork.  In being the girl that can hang with the dudes without any of the chicks getting their panties in a twist.  It's nice to be trusted with code, and tools, and secrets alike.  Because, while you might be dork in high school, in the real world, people really do seem to like the nerds.

So if I'm not the nerd any more... who the eff am I??

image from: Kindelling.